She's Out of Control Read online

  “I’ll be in touch with the board.” Hans stands up, and when I exit, the admins are huddled together again, like a high-school foot-ball team.

  “Ahem,” I say and they go back to pretending they’re working. I have a major headache.

  I clamber with the phone, struggling to punch in Brea’s numbers, but I keep missing them. On the third try, I get her. “Hi, Ash, what’s up?”

  “I so need a friend. I have no friends here, Brea. They all think I’m the office . . . you know . . . but they are the ones dressed up like off-duty strippers. I’m so out of my element. I feel like I should wear a chastity belt at this job.”

  “You’ve just made a big change, Ashley. You’re like the Israelites who remember the good things of Egypt instead of the slavery. Miles,” Brea coos. “Say hello to Auntie Ashley. Auntie is having a bad day. Give her kisses.” I hear the baby gurgling in the phone, and I just start to laugh. Brea can always make me laugh. Pretty soon, the gurgling turns into a healthy smacking sound. “No, no. Don’t eat the phone, Miles. Icky. Dirty. Hello,” she says to me.

  “He’s a doll. Can I have him yet? He’s the only man I know worth having.”

  “No, he still remembers that you wanted a girl. He’ll never for-give you for that.”

  “Story of my life.”

  “I have something to cheer you up, but you have to promise not to root me out,” Brea says.

  “Would I ever do that?”

  “Seth invited us over on Friday night to share in a ‘surprise’ for you.”

  “No way!”

  “Yep. He said he’s been planning this for weeks now, and wants it to be perfect.”

  “This is after Arin came home?”

  “Just this morning.”

  I scream into the phone. “Finally. Finally, something in my life is going right.”

  “I knew you’d have a cow if you came home with sloshy, day-old makeup, so I made up my mind to tell you, but you can’t tell John. He’ll call me a gossip.”

  “You are a gossip!”

  “Shh. Only with you. Otherwise, I’m the perfect, Proverbs 31 woman. Miles thinks so, and that’s all that matters to this mama. But I’d have a connip if John was coming to ask me to marry him and inviting people over, and I looked like I’d been at work all day. Shoot me now.”

  “Um, yeah.” I lower my voice into the phone. “Any idea what the ring looks like?”

  “He wouldn’t tell me a thing, Ash. And believe me, I tried. I called John right away to tell him.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? You traitor.”

  “Because for a few minutes I thought I could keep it from you. I thought I could rise above my personal anguish and keep a secret from my best friend. But I was wrong. As soon as I heard your voice, I knew I’d blurt it out.”

  “Thank goodness!”

  “Listen, I gotta run. It seems Miles has been using this time productively, and the aroma is overwhelming me. Don’t let that boss of yours get to you. Remember, you are a star patent attorney, and nothing he implies means anything, and the gals are just talking about what they know from experience. You’ll be Seth’s wife soon and won’t have to worry about this, anyway.”

  Seth’s wife. I’ll be Seth’s wife soon. “See ya.” I hang up the phone and type on my to-do list.

  THINGS TO DO BEFORE BECOMING A FIANCÉE

  1. Tell Kay no on the house.

  2. Get my nails done!

  3. Practice enthusiastic facial expressions in the mirror.

  4. Wax & shape eyebrows for a thoroughly surprised arch.

  5. Invest in lingerie for wedding night. I’m having a wedding night!

  6. Buy my own high-quality game controller to let Seth know I care about his needs too.

  7. Make an appt for seaweed wrap, must have baby bum skin.

  8. Practice hand gestures that will show off sparkling diamond!

  6

  Wednesday nights are the highlight of my week. It’s Bible study, Reason Style! Like I said before, we all have various reasons for being woefully single. Not the least of which being that we’re all weird in our own special way. We live in Silicon Valley, so I guess that goes without saying. But I digress. Bible study is a highlight because I get to hear Seth speak the Truth. I fall hopelessly in love with him all over again when I hear his knowledge of Scripture. I find myself day-dreaming about what kind of husband he’ll make, lulling me to sleep with God’s Word. It makes me think about turning in my Audi convertible for a minivan. Well, let’s not get too crazy. Maybe just a foreign SUV.

  Our house is spotless, and Kay is going through her regular ritual of praying in every room before the study, and secretly, I think she stays in the kitchen the longest, hoping that everyone will love her fabulous culinary creations. She used to have people take turns with snacks, but after one too many bag-o-chips and no beverages, she gave that up. You know that saying, “He’s all that and a bag of chips?” Well, that was our group: all that and one bag of measly, half-priced, grocery-store-brand chips.

  (California is health conscious, so if you’re going to buy chips here, you’ll find they generally are made with expellerpressed safflower oil, not hydrogenated oil, which is so artery-clogging. Normally Californians buy the fancy stuff for themselves. But not the Reasons—not for Bible study.)

  One of the issues the Reasons share is a complete inability to think practically. Case in point: Thanksgiving 2002. Someone is signed up to bring mashed potatoes. I kid you not, for twenty-two people, he showed up with a pint of potatoes from Boston Market—with beef gravy. We had to explain that turkey is a poultry dish—and generally goes best with a poultry, i.e., chicken or turkey gravy. And I thought I was lame in the kitchen.

  So now, Kay ensures her kitchen will never be tortured again: It’s a clipboard issue. Kay controls that clipboard like every other aspect of her life. Meanwhile my life wildly spins off its axis. Tonight I feel like a million. I feel like I am the winning bachelorette and general counsel all rolled into one, well-dressed chick. The way I see it, it’s my last Reason Bible Study as a Reason. Next week, I’ll have a ring and a date, and most importantly, a fiancé.

  “The bathrooms look great. Thanks for cleaning them. I love that bleach smell.” Kay inhales deeply and continues. “Have you thought anything more about my offer? I’d like to get things started before the rates go up.”

  “I have! This should be kept quiet, but . . .” Doorbell. “Hang on, I’ll get the door.”

  I race to the door, and my stomach flips as I see it’s Arin. She’s back from the rain forest mission field, looking as emaciated as ever. I wish I had my ring and my date now. Her blonde hair shines like a tow-headed toddler. It’s the kind of color you can’t get from a bottle. It makes me finger my fake auburn lowlights, for which I paid a fortune.

  “Ashley!” Arin squeals and pulls me into a hug, then steps back. “You look great. You have that glow about you. I know you’re not pregnant. Are you in love?”

  I smile sheepishly. “Seth and I are dating. We’ve been together nine months now.”

  “Nine months, you’re kidding? I feel so old being away that long. You have to fill me in on everything.” She spots Kay. “Kay, it’s so good to see you. Kevin told me a lot, but clearly not everything if you’re living together, and Ashley is dating Seth and not Kevin.”

  Kevin is her ex. Well, he’s mine too, but we won’t go into that. Suffice it to say, it was brief and completely unrealistic. Kevin looks like Hugh Jackman, and he’s a pediatric surgeon at Stanford Children’s Hospital. Way out of my league, and quite frankly, that’s okay with me. I have morning issues anyway. I don’t want to wake up next to someone prettier than me. I’ve seen those women on Oprah whose family hasn’t seen them without makeup. It’s too weird for me.

  So I’m still talking, unable to stop my blatant oversharing, trying to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy. “Seth came up to Las Vegas at my brother’s wedding, and we’ve been dating ever since.” />
  “Well, good. Those blue eyes of his are too precious to waste. They would be so pretty on a little girl.” Arin is completely sincere. You want to hate her because she’s so darling, but she makes it impossible. Generally she’s pure of speech and motive, but Lord for-bid if she wants something and you’re standing in her way. It’s that one little tick that makes you keep an eye on her, just in case.

  “We’re hardly at the point to discuss children.” I laugh, but you know, come to think about it, we never have discussed children. That’s kind of strange, isn’t it? After nine months, shouldn’t I know if Seth wants children? I have no idea.

  “He must really be something, though,” Arin practically sings. “You broke Kevin’s heart over him. And Kevin’s the sort of man who gets what he wants.”

  “I did not break Kevin’s heart. That’s completely laughable.”

  Arin sighs deeply. “He thought when he became a church boy . . . all that was left was the proposal. Then he got a phone call from you. A Dear John phone call . . .” Arin shakes her head. “I’ve known Kevin a long time, Ashley. He’s very sincere and very focused. He doesn’t even date lightly. That’s why I got rid of him. He way far too marriage-minded.”

  It’s getting hot in here. “Kevin has to have a list of women waiting longer than my arm, and he’s too intellectual for me. He needs a woman who can throw a good soiree. Someone who can plan for more than tater tots and weenies in a blanket.” Kay comes in and sets up a vegetable tray and I wave my hand. “Someone like Kay.”

  “His parents didn’t like you either, huh?” Arin leans in. “Did they push you to join Mensa?”

  “It wasn’t ever an option for me. I’m not the Mensa type of person. I’ll get the tea,” I say, frantic for an exit. I go into the kitchen, only to feel Arin hot on my heels. I open the fridge and rummage for nothing in particular, hoping she’ll go away. But she’s standing in front of the swinging door, ensuring our privacy.

  “You really did break his heart, Ashley.” I turn around and face her, noting that a single tear is suspended on her lower eyelash. “He’s on fire for the Lord. Are you sure there’s nothing left between you? That this Seth thing is going to take off? Because someone’s faith might be dependent upon it.”

  I slam the fridge shut. “I imagine you broke his heart too, Arin, when you left for the jungle. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but you never told me he wasn’t a Christian. I was seeing him under false pretenses. And I’m with Seth now. So none of this really matters. It’s just water under the bridge.”

  “Kevin is a Christian now.” Arin smiles, shrugging her narrow shoulders. “Missionary dating. It’s one of my weaknesses. But guys never fall for me seriously like Kevin did you, Ashley. I’m the cute one they take out to nice dinners. You’re the one they take home to mother.”

  Somehow I feel the sting of that comment. I move over to the sink, and proceed to scrub the spotless counter. “Arin, what are you, twenty-four? You’re an otter, and you naturally want to play. I’m just more serious-minded. Parents think of me as a way for their sons to grow up. It’s the lawyer thing. It makes people think I’m reliable.” Which is a joke in itself.

  “Kevin doesn’t need to grow up. He’s eighty inside if he’s a day. You’re not taking his feelings seriously.” Arin’s cutesy tone is gone.

  Now she’s making me nervous. “What’s this about, Arin?”

  “I just came from Kevin’s house. He thinks Seth is something you need to get out of your system. Frankly, I agree.” She crosses her gangly arms and waits for my reaction. Which I’m trying very hard not to give.

  Breathe. Breathe. “You told him that wasn’t true, right? You told him how long I’ve had this crush on Seth, and it’s more than that now. I love the man.” But I must admit, I’m totally flabbergasted. I hadn’t thought Kevin gave me a second glance after we parted ways. Come to think of it, considering the source, I’m not sure he did.

  “Kevin is praying up a storm, and he has the faith of a new Christian, Ashley. He believes with his whole heart that God is going to grant him the desire of his soul. Not to mention the fact that his parents never denied him a thing. How would he know what failure even feels like?”

  “Ashley! Seth is here,” Kay calls from the living room.

  “Listen, I need to go. I’ll have a talk with Kevin, okay? I promise I’ll let him know I meant what I said. That there was never anything like that between us.”

  “He’s a Christian now, Ashley. Just be careful. I hate to see a brother fall because . . .”

  I don’t wait for her to finish. Do I need this kind of guilt? I have serious issues to contemplate, like how I’m going to get a promotion without stepping in my boss’s erogenous zone, and how I’m going to react when Seth Greenwood actually asks for my hand in marriage.

  In the living room, I just stop at the sight of Seth. He’s chatting up a storm with the group, but stops when his eyes meet mine. My stomach swirls at the sight of him, and a huge smile fills my face. His gem-blue eyes are sparkling, and when he looks at me from across the room, I feel it deep inside. My heart pounds, the back of my knees sweat, and I have to physically think about breathing. I close my eyes to avoid the surging emotions pounding in my heart. It seems like years since I’ve seen him, but it’s only been three days.

  He walks over to me. “Hi,” he says with a wink and kisses me on the cheek. Did you see that, everybody? He kissed me publicly. I am so getting engaged! “You look happy tonight.”

  “Why shouldn’t I be? I’m dating the handsomest guy in the room, and he’s about to teach me Nehemiah. It doesn’t get any more sizzling than that.” I wink back at him.

  He leans in, grabs my hand, and whispers, “You are one strange girl, you know that?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Let’s get started, everyone.” Kay commands the room to silence, and we all take our regular seats. We are so boring. Same seats, different night. Hopefully, Seth has some great pearl of wisdom to offer us.

  Arin has sauntered back into the room, and Seth’s eyes brighten at the sight of her. “Arin, you’re back!” Seth rushes to her side and kisses her on the cheek. Yes, that’s right. PDA in my own house with another woman. Claws extending now.

  “Seth, you look fantastic.” She runs her fingers over his slight hair. “Never better, in fact.” Then she looks at me.

  Seth sits beside her and opens up his Bible. He sits beside her, as in a different place, and I notice that all eyes in the room are on me. Well, I’m not giving them the satisfaction. I refuse to react. I open my Bible and begin to silently pray. Actually, it’s kind of a vengeful prayer, but that doesn’t matter now.

  We’re led in a fascinating study on the minor prophet, and his wisdom and complete assurance upon the Lord. Oh ye of little faith, is all I can think. When we’re done, Arin smiles at Seth and walks into the kitchen. But surprise. I’m the one following her.

  She turns around and smiles coyly, but her joyful expression disappears at the sight of me.

  “What’s going on?” I nod back at the door.

  “What do you mean?”

  “We’re friends, Arin. You’re a Christian. I’m a Christian, albeit not a very good one lately. But you’ve always said you didn’t want to get married. Why are you playing with Seth’s heart when he may want to marry me?”

  She shrugs. “There’s just something about him I find completely charming, Ashley. It’s just a little innocent flirtation. When you’re married, you and he can laugh about it.”

  I fail to see the humor here. “Not to accuse you of anything, Arin, I know your heart is generally pure in these situations, but I’m a little raw when it comes to Seth. It’s been a long road, and you have a way of making him forget about our relationship. I’m not talking behind your back; I’m telling you straight up. It makes me uncomfortable.”

  “If that’s what you’re thinking, do you really want to marry someone so easily swayed?” Arin’s lagoon-blue eyes are wide,
and I’ll admit I don’t want to dwell too long on her question.

  “No, of course not,” I say automatically. “But I don’t want you pretending that a beautiful woman like you is going to whisk him off his feet either. Seth is very innocent in matters of the heart, and he doesn’t understand that women sometimes play games.”

  Arin shakes her head. “I’m not playing. And I’m not the one who has two wonderful guys fawning over me, so if there’s anything to be jealous about, well . . .” She flails her hand about.

  My bearings are completely off. Arin has always demanded male attention just by walking in a room. But this is something I haven’t seen from her before, and my mind can’t help but reel trying to interpret her motives. Sprinkles of distrust spray down my spine, and I want to shake them off like a Labrador at a lake, but I can’t.

  “Do you want something to drink now?” I ask Arin.

  “No,” Arin’s eyes widen. “There he is, the master of the hour.”

  I turn around and see Seth. “Hi, great job tonight.”

  He kisses my forehead, and then leans against the counter coolly, crossing his ankles. “Thanks. So Arin, how long are you home? Or is this for good?”

  “That all depends. If I can find a reason to stay, who knows? I’m a leaf in the wind.”

  “What would a young gal seeking adventure possibly do for excitement in the Silicon Valley?” I ask.

  She looks directly at Seth, then me. “You tell me, Ashley. You’re a woman of the world. What keeps you here?”

  Nothing at the moment. “I’m going to help Kay with refreshments. You two have a good talk.” And I exit. I’ve been a Reason for thirty-one years, and God knows I’m not fighting for any man. This is not The Bachelor, and I am most certainly not desperate.

  But when the doorbell rings, and Dr. Kevin appears in my vision with a bouquet, I realize I am desperate. Desperate and pathetic with nowhere to run.

  Dr. Kevin Novak is disarmingly handsome. He grew up among the pony set in Atlanta, and now lives among the “casual Friday” crowd that is the San Francisco Bay Area. It’s been months since I’ve seen him, but gazing at him now, I have two thoughts. One, I’m thrilled he’s a new Christian (he’s been attending a large, local Baptist church). Two, I feel like I’ve become the goal line, and regardless of his true feelings, his fierce competitiveness has taken hold. While we all want to be swept off our feet, no one wants to be captured.